Every Friday my husband stops work at 11am. We spend the rest of the day together to spend some quality time with each other and to reconnect. Today we decided to just chill at home. We’ve spent the morning and some of the afternoon in bed, making love, eating pâté and bread, drinking wine and watching a movie. It was lovely. However, the negative thoughts never leave me and I felt the need, once again, to pick at the scab. I asked him if he’s told me everything about the night he spent with his whore. He said he had. I asked him about the following morning. I wanted to know if it was just as he had told me. He said it was. I struggle with what happened the following morning as a) he had sex with his whore again which shows that there was no regret about what he did (like he told me there was before he confessed he’d fucked her again) b) I couldn’t understand how just the mere suggestion of sex from the whoring bitch was enough for him to be straight away standing to attention!? I asked him if there was any touching/kissing etc. he said there wasn’t, not sure if I believe him but anyway. I asked him why he’d lied about the fact that he’d fucked her three times and not once like he’d originally told me. He said that it seemed worse. I got angry at him at this point and told him that at least he fucked up his marriage for the opportunity to fuck her three times. If it had only been once it would have been a waste. His answer was, “it was hardly worth it”…what the fuck?! It was hardly worth it? Is he fucking kidding me?!! Maybe our marriage is “hardly worth it”! Maybe he’s “hardly worth it”! He makes me sick. He is such a fucking arsehole!
Sometimes I wonder why I’m still here in this marriage. I wonder why I’m giving him another chance. I wonder why I’m setting myself up for yet another fall for this man. What is so fucking great about him that I’m willing to risk having my heart broken and going through this fucking pain again? I wish I knew. I think I must be totally fucked up too!